Stop the belief that misidentifying with a sexual/gender orientation is a “hurdle” or a “setback” in your journey of finding your true identity and instead realize that misidentification is a common consequence of living in a culture where being cis and straight is supposed to be a norm and access to any information and resources about the existence of non cis and straight identities is quite limited and restricted by one’s peers,institutions etc
Stop blaming and demonizing already marginalized communities for your misidentification when all they did was accept you and provide you a safe space to discuss your experiences and explore your identity.Its not their fault that you didnt feel like you belonged with them.
It’s not bi/pan people’s fault that you identified with their label because of your internalized homophobia
It’s not asexual people’s fault that you identified with their label because of your internalized homophobia
Its not trans/non binary/gender fluid/agender people’s fault that you identified with their label because of your internalized homophobia or your issues with the gender roles imposed on you
Its not lesbian/gay people’s fault that you identified with their label because of your internalized transphobia
There’s nothing wrong with misidentification. There’s nothing wrong with exploring your identity. Hold the cis heternormative society and institutions accountable for your misidentification instead of invalidating the existence of identities which give thousands of people to around the world comfort and solidarity just bc you had a bad experience with them.
are you seriously under the impression that ace ppl dont know that others prioritize sex
why do you think we struggle with trusting our autonomy, why do you think we hesitate to date others and come out to allo partners
and no, you are not being ~tricked~. you developed feelings for an ace person that doesn’t view sex the same way you do, thats part of them as a person, the same person you had feelings for in the first place, and if you actually respected them as a person that’s not a trick. ‘being allowed to develop feelings’ are you kidding me what entitlement is this
yeah yeah passionate sex is what you want. but us ace people will stay concerned about our own safety and sexual rights before we begin to worry about your dating preferences. itd be nice if you people began meeting us in the middle 🙂
“Tricked”.
Holy shit that’s some grade A entitlement. Sure, it’s disappointing to know you’re not compatible with someone, but they didn’t trick you by not telling you something intimidate about themselves.
As an allo partner to an asexual man – the kind of perspective that this anon is claiming to speak for – all I can add is that if your feelings for an asexual person vanish the second they won’t fuck you in the exact way you want them to? If you feel “tricked” or “lied to” because their sexual feelings aren’t up to your standards, or may not be compatible with yours?
You don’t love them. Not only do you not love them, but you never did.
If it’s true love, then you will be able to talk about what to do next. If you honestly care about their sexual autonomy, then you will listen to them and take what they suggest on board and you will meet them in the middle, just like you would for any allosexual partner. You will check up with them regularly to see if things are still comfortable and okay in that area, you will respect their boundaries (and stand up for them if you see other people disrespecting them), and you will not hurt them over who they are. Discuss with them what you would like, yes, but do not force or pressure or manipulate.
I hate that these are simple, “don’t abuse your fucking partner” statements but it apparently, sadly, bears reminding for some people.
If they don’t want to have sex with you then of course it’s up for you to decide if you still want to continue a relationship with them – you don’t have to remain in a relationship that doesn’t fulfil you or makes you unhappy. I understand the fear that it can cause – am I going over a boundary? Are they being honest about being okay with this? What if I’m hurting them and they’re just not telling me? – and if you’re not used to the idea of someone having love but no desire, then it can certainly fuel some insecurities. If you really just can’t match well with an asexual person, then fair enough…
…But that’s not actually what anon is saying here – what they’re saying is they’re not only sad that an asexual person might not want to have sex with them despite them at least believing that there’s shared romantic feelings involved (which is honestly where this “tricking” shit comes from, because creepers gonna creep apparently), but they’re sad that any sex they might have with that asexual person won’t be enthusiastic enough for their standards.
That’s the sentence here that truly, deeply disgusts me: “Most of us don’t want relationships with people who just put up with sex. We want passionately enthusiastic sex partners.” I mean yeah, I’m disgusted by all of it, but people have noted above why the “tricking” comment smacks of entitlement – I want to really emphasise this sentence here about “enthusiasm” and “putting up with sex” because it’s not just entitlement to a sexual act, it’s entitlement to a specific sexual performance.
This person doesn’t just want sex with an asexual person, they want their ace partner to fake enthusiasm and sexual passion that they might not even have – during an act that they might not even enjoy. What the actual fuck is wrong with you, anon?
As I said, I’m dating an asexual man, and having discussed it – and we’ve discussed it a lot over the years – we’ve reached the compromise in which we do have sex. He is not passionately sexual, he’s described it as being like folding laundry in terms of interest – but he makes me laugh and he makes sure I’m feeling good, and he does it because he loves me. Why in the fuck would I complain about that? If he told me tomorrow that he never wants to touch me again then I will fucking deal with it because fucking him – much less trying to convince myself that he isn’t asexual – means so much less to me than loving him does, and I have done my best to let him know that.
Fuck off back to space, you absolute cock – you do not speak for me, or anyone else; just because you don’t understand or respect asexual people doesn’t mean they have to pretend to be someone else for you.
Every mother with trans children should take Cher as an example.
ok i love her but lets not give brownie points because she called him her son. thats like. minimum requirement for a decent human being.
Ok, you know what? No. Brownie points to Cher.
She publicly announced her love and acceptance of her SON and yeah some people would call that “the minimum requirement” of decency, but as someone whose mother gushes about her acceptance in private and sometimes uses gender neutral terms for me (not the male ones I prefer) but aggressively misgenders me in public to keep things from being “awkward”, cher’s public acknowledgement and expression of her love and acceptance for her son is a big deal.
Yes this SHOULD BE the bare minimum of parental decency, but right now it’s not and I’m glad to see Chaz and Cher showing the world that this is the way things are supposed to be.
What is up with the idea that we shouldn’t acknowledge when people do something good/nice/etc. because “everyone should be doing that anyway”? It is BY acknowledging the things we see as good that we tell others how we see the world and enforce what we consider proper behavior. There is literally never a time when it doesn’t make sense to acknowledge something positive. And acknowledging something positive does NOT make some sort of blanket statement about the person like they can do no wrong either. We can acknowledge a positive, and also criticize a negative; there is bo zero-sum game here.
This was exactly my reaction when, in 2015, a 15yo on Tumblr came and sent me a load of hate for being “an OMG ACTUAL ADULT” calling myself ‘queer’ and using ‘queer community’.
Like, how to put this. In Australia since the early 90s, ‘queer’ has been the accepted term to call that community. It’s a mainstream word. We say ‘queer theory’, ‘queer community’, ‘queer organisations’, etc. Another Australian who words for the government said it’s a perfectly acceptable term to use in policy documents and funding applications. Here, in Australia, queer hasn’t been a slur at any point in my life. The only Australians I’ve ever come across who think it’s a slur are people who spend too much time around American youths on social media.
I did a post about the international queer community, it got 5-7k notes (ish) and people from at least 10 other countries said ‘queer’ is not a slur in their country and it’s just the word that’s used for the queer community.
This is why it drives me nuts when a 15yo from South Carolina, USA assumes:
1) Her experience with ‘queer’ is the same as everybody else’s
2) A small number of people having a bad experience with ‘queer’ is an acceptable reason to deny and police usage by the entire wider international queer community
The short of it is that it’s not acceptable. Many older queer folks have used this word for decades – it’s been in common use since at least the 80s. In the past 3 years it’s become very fashionable (mostly only on Tumblr, but on pockets of social media elsewhere, too) to treat queer as this Big Bad Slur (forgetting that there are many other slurs and most of our language gets used as slurs at some point by various people) and to pop up on every fucking post that mentions queer like “UM EXCUSE ME IT’S FINE FOR YOU TO CALL YOURSELF QUEER BUT IT’S LITERAL ABUSE FOR YOU TO USE IT FOR OTHER PEOPLE LIKE AS AN UMBRELLA TERM AND YOU ARE A BAD PERSON!!!”
like. babe. I’ve never met you in my life. You live an entire world away from me and you can’t tell me what language I’m allowed to use for myself and my own community. If you don’t like the word, you have trauma associated with it or whatever, I accept that. I feel for you, I have trauma about some words, too. USE XKIT BLACKLIST. Your trauma is your problem, just like my trauma is my problem. Yes, really. Get counselling. It’s not everyone else’s responsibility to change their identities and language because of your trauma. That’s not a lack of empathy from me, that’s a hard life lesson you need to learn about the world not revolving around you. I am not abusing anyone by using the language I’ve always used about my own community.
It’s not the end of your world, though. You’re not doomed to read ‘queer’ all over tumblr forever. There are many many many tools available for you to protect yourself and avoid triggers. You should be responsible for yourself and your experience online and protect yourself from seeing things that upset you.
“BUT I’M A MINOR!!”, you cry! okay, true. Get up from the computer, go directly to your parent or guardian, and let them know you’re not old enough to police your own internet usage and ask them to do it for you. It is not my responsibility to take care of you. It is no one else on Tumblr’s responsibility to take care of you. The internet is not just for kids. If you can’t take care of yourself, your parents need to help you do that.
The short of it is if you’re old enough to know the word ‘queer’ upsets you, you’re old enough to download xkit blacklist and add ‘queer’ to the blacklist words. If you’re not doing that, I have to assume you’re actually trying to pick fights with queer people and it’s more of a power struggle to you than anything about semantics.
“BUT I SHOULDN’T HAVE TO USE XKIT! IT’S AN EASY CHANGE FOR YOU!” Dude, you’re asking me to change my whole identity. You’re asking me to change my lexicon for you. It’s not an easy or fair change for you to ask me to make. Xkit is a quick and easy solution for you (and now, you can use the tumblr innate tag blocks, too). If that’s too much for you to do, I have a feeling you’re just looking for a fight and not actually traumatised by ‘queer’.
NEVER. NEVER. Come onto a queer person’s post and start telling them anything about how to use their word. Queer folks get policed and oppressed enough by cishet folks. We don’t need people from our own community trying to police our language and language we’ve used for decades and continue to use in many countries and in many parts of the US.
There is absolutely no reason to derail posts being “””””””helpful”””””””” by repeatedly, constantly, aggressively spreading rhetoric that shames people for using language we have used for ourselves and our community for decades. Your problem with the word queer should not be my problem, so don’t make it my problem.
“LGBT people are inherently better people with good morals” is an idea that needs to fucking die. right away.
LGBT people aren’t even, as a whole, less bigoted than literally anyone else, they’re just not bigoted against their own specific sub-group.
people are shitty, including people within your own community. deal with it. you don’t get to revoke their LGBT cards to wash yourself of their bullshit.
Anyone can be an asshole, regardless of race gender or sexuality
And even within the queer community, there’s still transphobia, biphobia, and aphobia. So like…no, queer people can in fact still be bigoted against their specific sub-group.
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